The Incest Bride
by Fiery Wordess
Summary: An emulation of the wonderful The Princess Bride. Classic. Gorgeous. Tears to your eyes kind of thing. Oh, I exaggerate but mm I love it!
1. Farm Folk

                                                             **The Incest Bride: The Classic Tale of Truly Bizarre Lust and High Adventures**

But before we get on with it, I suppose I should explain myself.

This is based on a novel that is not mine or William Goldman's but a guy with a really long last name.  Well, it's actually not that long of a last name but as I'm not bright enough to spell it properly right off hand I will give you a revised version of the fellow's name: S. Morgenstern.  It's close enough.  The point is, the novel that I am stealing characters and names and the title from does not belong to me.  And William Goldman may be a more prominent name with this story but, as he will tell you, the book is not his either, though he does not deny that he wishes it were.

I will deny any such wish because my writing style is utterly different and the story just wouldn't be right if I had written it.

I digress, as usual.

_The Princess Bride: The Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure_ (isn't that wonderful?) is my inspiration and I really liked the movie too.  Now, if you haven't seen the movie then you are truly missing out on something wonderful, it wouldn't hurt to read the book either; I'm enjoying it so far.  But now you are informed on what this ludicrous little fan fiction is based on.  Not that it really matters, as the title is the only good part so far.  Maybe it's because it's all I've written besides an extremely long and rambling disclaimer.  Or perhaps this extremely long and rambling disclaimer is emulating the extremely long and rambling introduction that William Goldman uses in his revised edition of _The Princess Bride.   Oho!  Bet that didn't occur to you.  Amazing the way my puny brain works sometimes… but once again, I digress.  You don't need to know the story of _The Princess Bride_ to be able to appreciate this fan fiction, if you can even be bothered to appreciate it.  All you need is an open mind and some insanity juice.  Or a deadly poison that makes everything seem much funnier, because the world is a funny place when you think you're about to kick the bucket, mostly because you can laugh at everyone and they feel too bad for you to duff you up like you deserve._

Hey, guess what?  I'm digressing again.

But Billie Goldman did that plenty.  

Note to my English teacher: God forbid you to ever see this, but if by some tragic accident you happen upon it and find out who I am, just be proud of my emulation skills, you have trained me well, albeit, sadistically.  Lucky for both of us that I am moving on to another grade and leaving you elsewhere, lest you see this and remember.  

Ooh, I just heard a really scary noise right behind me.  Why am I writing in the dead of night?  Alone?  After watching The Exorcist about three months ago?  (Still sleeping with the light on….)  Okay, now you are wondering when I'll get to the story.  

Voila, it is beneath these wonderful star-like things.

*****

                                    **Chapter One: Of the Farm People**

    **B**uttercup was the most beautiful woman in the world and Westley was a hunky pirate.  Their child was ugly beyond belief and her name was, if anything, a terrible misconception.  Those who heard that Buttercup and Westley had had a daughter named Beauty thought it only fitting for them to have such lovely offspring.  Then, upon meeting the child, fainted in shock, the two sides of their brains battling ferociously.  Speaking to a hideous child named Beauty is like saying the word yellow when it's actually red.  Why put yourself in that sort of situation?  

 I'll tell you exactly why they did it.

Because in Florin (the place where this classic tale takes place) there were very few attractive people and everyone was ready to bang anyone who showed any signs of being pretty.  Beauty sounded gorgeous (you can't hear these things, you must see them, therefore you are hopefully now aware of how stupid the inhabitants of Florin truly were,) but just wait until I get around to describing this unsightly little maggot of a human.

See?  I've already begun.

Beauty, when she was born, looked like any other baby.  Buttercup, for years after would marvel at how such an ugly blob had slid from her womb and Westley would never understand how he had sired such a creature.  But while she was a baby, she was a cute thing.  That lasted for all of a week and then the acne poured in on the infant.  

"But that's a good sign, dear!"  Westley reassured his distraught wife.  "That means Beauty won't have to endure zits" (this was a time after zits had been named) "in her years of young adulthood."  (This was a time before the word "teenagers" became anything other than a disgusting swearword used to describe particularly bad luck, ex: He's sure got the teenagers; that would be like me saying to you "your life is sure f***ed up.")  

Westley didn't know how wrong he was.  The zits became worse as the days went by.  Only the girl's right nostril was spared having the red dots spread over it.  Even the infant's eyelids had been touched by the zits.  By the time Beauty was six she was a skinny, spotty girl with thin mousy hair (the sort of hair that you're not sure whether it's brown, blond or gray.  Does anyone else ever get this impression from hair?  I mean, there are some blonds who just look GRAY to me!  Well… she was one of them.)  Her eyes were light brown but very dull.  She looked very… stupid.  Her nose was rather pig-like and her chin was big.  The poor child did not receive her father's perfect teeth.  Within her first six years of living she had managed to knock three out before they had even become loose of their own accord.  Her ears were the sticky-out sort that would make you say "Dumbo" but since Dumbo hadn't been invented yet (this was a time before motion pictures had come out, yes, they did survive without television but, as you may say later, very primitive) her ears just made people think of carriage doors.  

Everyone hoped that Beauty would live up to her name as years went by, but she just kept getting uglier and uglier until she was so ugly that people from all over Florin came just to get their pulses to slow.  Listening to her talk was sort of like talking to a Neanderthal.

"Uhhh… d'oh… yup.  I… uhhh… duhnnoooo."  Her voice was low and dopey.  Listening to her made passerby fall asleep, and once, a direct listener fell into a coma that lasted for seven weeks (but she deserved it, she had been making fun of Beauty to her face.  Beauty didn't quite get it though, she just tried to string a few paragraphs together.  Not pretty.  No pun intended; I'm serious.)

When Beauty turned fourteen she began to start getting breasts, which was a surprise to everyone because she was so skinny.  Her upper lip also began to start sporting many black hairs.  Buttercup one day announced that Beauty needed to start plucking her face.  Not only was she getting facial hair but her nostrils were reminiscent of bushes.

"I could braid that wad!"  Buttercup wailed, wringing her perfect hands.

"Dear… what are you… ah!"  Westley gave a start.  "Beauty!  You startled me, but what _is all over your face?  You look like a bushman!"_

"Uh… I… gurloik!"

"What?"  Asked her articulate father.

Beauty scratched her head with her amazingly long arms.  Sometimes she looked like a gorilla.  "Dunno, I… uh… think… uh… meatball."

"What do meatballs have to do with any of this?"  Screeched Buttercup.  Then she whirled to her husband.  "Sometimes I think Humperdinck would've fathered a more… LITERATE child at least!"

Then Westley turned scarlet.  "Sometimes _I think he would've __mothered a more attractive one."_

"Oho!  But I am the most beautiful woman in the world!"  Buttercup pointed to herself.  

"And I am the most literate pirate on the seas."

"You're not on the seas anymore; you gave that position to Inigo."

"Oh."  

"Kiss me, my fool."  She insisted.  Then they had one of their world-famous kisses that some authors would babble on for paragraphs about.  I will spare you and tell you only that it was very sloppy and wet and had you been there you probably would've wondered if they were about to start digesting one another.  

"Mm… urgh… what… uhhh… I think I'll… go and… uhhh… milk the cow."  Beauty trudged off and started picking her nose.  The door swung open, slamming into the wall.

"BEAUTY!"  Said Marvin.

Oh yes, Marvin is Beauty's brother.  I didn't mention him because he was not extremely ugly or extremely handsome.  In fact, his was extremely nothing.

"Uhhh… what?"

"Stop picking your bloody nose and milk the damned cow!"  Then he looked inside.  "DAMMIT WOMAN!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  EATING MY FATHER?!"  

Buttercup didn't notice and when Westley tried to look away, Buttercup grabbed his head and continued.

Suddenly Marvin stormed out of the kitchen and into the field.  His sister stopped milking long enough to make some weird statement to him.  

"What are you talking about?  I don't understand you about half the time, why do you even bother?"

"I… uh… was wondering… uh… if… uh…dunno."  She blushed and went back to abusing the cow.

"You probably don't."  Marvin shook his head.  "I'm going off to get some… stuff."  

"Stuff?  What… uh… stuff?"

"I may as well tell you as you're too thick to relate to anyone the horrendous information I am about to expel."

"Uh."

"Exactly.  I'm about to go get doped up."

"Uh."

"See you later, sis."  And he traipsed away to the dope field.  His friends eagerly awaited him.

"Man… it is just so… gooooooood to see you… man…."

"Load me up."

I can't give much more detail on this scene because it's quite odd and because I know very little about drugs other than that they're illegal and make people do stupid things.  That is why I will enjoy relating the next few events to you.

Marvin left the dope field, kind of blundering around.  He saw Beauty and realized just was a sexy little wench she was (this was a time long after sex had been invented) and trudged over to her.

"You're high, aren't you Marvin?"  She asked, quite clearly.

"Totally."  (In case you were wondering, there are no lava lamps in this tale.)

"Good, now I can…uh…whoa…I just smelled you."

"How are you talking so right, man?"

"I'm not as dense as I seem, but I'd prefer people not making fun of me all the time as I sound like prat because of my oddly deep voice and I have a furry face."

"Ooh!  Got you there little sister."  

"I'm older than you."  Beauty pointed out.

"I'm so into you."

"That's called incest."

"Marry me or I'll kill you."

"But I don't like you that way."

"What does that have to do with anything?  I'm a powerfully built male and you're a wimpy female in need of a man."

"I'm only fourteen."

"Oh, okay, never mind then.  I'm going to crash…."

"Into a tree?"

"That is so not cool man…."  But Beauty was right; Marvin did crash into a tree.  Beauty rolled her eyes and was vaguely disturbed by the thought of marrying her brother.  What did it matter who she married?  Her brother may have ended up being the only one who was ever high enough to want her.  Hadn't her mother, only years before nearly wed Prince Humperdinck because of a threat?  Of course, Beauty knew that there was no one who would ever even consider marrying her.  Incest was a disturbing thing, but it happened a lot.

What she didn't know was that in the royal palace similar events were taking place.

Perhaps I will continue soon.  The next chapter will be called Chapter Two.  Brilliant plan, isn't it?  This one will be about the royal schmucks that we all love to read about.                      


	2. Family Jewels

**Chapter Two: The Family Jewels**

**H**umperdinck was a miserable failure.  There was nothing else to him but failing.  He remembered days of glory where he hunted in the Zoo of Death and frolicked about with the albino… ah, such good days.  Gone now.  After Westley and Buttercup had escaped he had cried himself to sleep every night and had even destroyed his favorite teddy bear in a fit of ill-contained rage.  

_I'm so sorry Pookie!  _

His father, who had long been mentally ill had suddenly popped out of his stupor and beat his son with purpose.  Humperdinck, still a prince, had wailed like a baby every time the spatula made contact with his royal bottom.  

"DADDY!  NO!"  He squealed.  "I AM THE PRINCE!"

"And WHO'S YO' DADDY?!"  The king shouted.

"Oh, good point." 

Even years after the terrible events, Humperdinck feared his father and shuddered with the memory.  Years and years later, now that Beauty was fourteen and all that good stuff, Humperdinck was playing with his tin soldiers.  But he wasn't playing war games.

"Oh Westley!  My love!  MMM*smack*."  He shoved two faces together.  Then he made his voice much deeper.  "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!  Ho!  Don't you just love my physique?"  Humperdinck batted his eyes and allowed his voice to float up a couple of octaves.  "Well, your physique is truly wondrous, darling, but you're competing with Humperdinck's much more manly physique!"  Humperdinck grinned evilly.  "B*TCH!"  Cried the tin Westley.  He slapped Buttercup down.  "Don't worry my love!"  Humperdinck brought around a new figure.  "Oh Humpy!  Westley just b*tch-slapped me!"  Humperdinck frowned.  "Did you just call me Humpy?  Now I will b*tch-slap you too!"  

Someone knocked on Humperdinck's door.

"AHH!"  Squealed the prince.  He knocked over his tin soldiers.  "Er- come in!"

The door opened slowly and the albino walked in.

"The king requests your presence."

"Do you know what about?"  

"The family jewels."  The albino nodded fervently.

"This is our chance!  Soon he will give the family fortune to me and you and I can escape!"  He clapped his hands together.  

"Make me a pretty ring and I will be your bride."

"You're my cousin!  I can't legally marry you!"

"Oh, of course, but you had _no qualms about marrying Buttercup, who is _also_ your cousin!"  The albino was miffed.  "And, she's a… a…girl!"  _

"Oh sweetie!  I never intended to stay with Buttercup!  I was going to murder her after all!"

"Oh yes," he giggled, "I quite forgot."  And then, "What about the princess from Guilder?  She's probably your aunt's niece's cousin's grandmother's daughter!"

"And she was bald to show for it.  See what incest does?"

"We don't have to have children, Humpy."

"Humpy?"  Humperdinck got huffy.  "Go away!  I don't want to be your friend anymore!"

"FINE!"  And the albino stalked off.

_That gets rid of him._  Humperdinck had a bit of a thing against the albino after he gained all of that weight.  _I'm sorry, but that was just disgusting.  There's nothing more frightening than an obese albino.  The pale blob… o my God, that is just gross._

The prince tromped down the hall.  He found his father, old and prune-y, sitting in a cushioned chair, cleaning his nails with a knife.

"Ah, Humperdinck, come in my son."  

Humperdinck took a chair across from the king.  "The albino told me this was about the family jewels?"

"Yes.  Take care of them.  You may go now."  The king went back to cleaning his nails.

"But-." Humperdinck spluttered.  "I don't even _have them… you've never…."_

"What do you mean you don't have them!?"  The king's eyes widened.

"You never gave them to me!" 

"Look, I know you have them, I bathed you when you were very young and you had them then.  Unless you've been castrated…."

"What?!  These are the family jewels?!"  Humperdinck pointed to himself in an awkward place.  

"Of course.  They contain the seed of royalty."

"Um," the prince blushed, "I'll just be going now."  And he ran back to his bedroom.  He was in trouble now.  Two years ago he had sold the family jewels for a pound of dope.  "Dad is going to kill me…."

(A/N: Next chapter we have the royalty meet the farm-folk.  WILL HUMPERDINCK GET HIS JEWELS BACK!?  Does he have a little sister named Margarita and a cousin named Tequila?  Find out in the chapter wisely called **Chapter Three!)           **


	3. Alcohol and Adventure

**Chapter Three: Adventure and Alcohol**

**T**hough Humperdinck would not have you know, I would.  The king and queen had another child.  The second marriage for the king, you know, and he was really quite old.  It embarrassed Humperdinck to see his old man banging this old woman, but he never admitted to watching from a cleverly positioned peephole.  His sister, Margarita was as pretty as they come.  She was, in fact, Beauty's age.  Margarita had very Spanish features, further proving that everyone in Florin was related, and in fact the whole world.  Her eyes were dark and so was her hair.  But she had two flaws that kept her from being on the most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world list: a great mole on her forehead and a flat chest.  She was like half an hour glass.  Her waist was small and her hips were shapely but the upper part was missing.  

Margarita didn't like her brother very much, but who could blame her?  The princess's best friend was also her cousin.  Tequila had red hair and brown eyes.  She was okay-looking but nothing exceptional.  Her skin threatened to break out in acne on a daily basis and if she were allowed in the sun she would have many red freckles.

Today Margarita and Tequila were in the kitchen slugging some of their namesakes and getting very drunk.  As usual.

"So, *hic* Tequila.  Whaddya say we go down to the *hic* farms?"  Margarita slurred gracefully.

"I dunno *hic.* What's there to see *hic* down there?"

"Farm people."

"Ooh yeah."  So the royal girls went to put on some riding clothes.  They were feeling a little wobbly but they could hold their alcohol well.  They could also throw up well.  All over the floor.

"He he, oops."  Tequila covered her mouth daintily and walked carefully around her vomit.  

"Oh Tequila, what did I say about drinking five of your name?"

"The same thing I said about drinking eight of yours."

"It's a no-no."  The girls giggled and ran to the stable, where, to their great astonishment, they found Prince Humperdinck preparing for a journey.

"Humpster, what are you doing here?"

"I find this is none of your business, Margarita."

"Going to retrieve the family jewels?"  Tequila teased.

Humperdinck blushed and the two girls burst out laughing.

"Well, we're going to help you because we're incredibly bored and dangerous adventure sounds interesting right now."

"But it's dangerous… and I don't like you."

"Want us to tell Daddy?"  Margarita put on an angelic face.

"Good God no.  Come with me you bitchy prat."  

Prat, as I'm sure you know, derives from "pillage run and tarp" which is used to describe insane campers that used to raid Florinese cities so that they could camp.  They were known to be incredibly dim-witted and dorky, always sporting buck-teeth and thick glasses and Pokémon cards.  It had been Humperdinck that had coined the expression with the help of the flabby albino.

A mile down the road Tequila began to whine loudly that she had to take a piss.

"Can't you wait?"  Humperdinck groaned.

"NO!  And this DAMNED HORSE is making my bladder bounce!"  

"Fine!"  Humperdinck pulled off into some woods.  Tequila and Margarita went into the woods and did their business before coming back, smiling broadly.  "Better?"

"Yes."  They chimed, climbing back on their horses. 

"Lead on, brother dearest."  Margarita commanded.

Humperdinck was wishing already that he were back in his room playing with his tin soldiers.  But he had packed them along with other necessary items, such as the remnants of poor Pookie and his lucky jockstrap.  

It wasn't more than an hour before they reached the farmlands.  Margarita wrinkled her nose in disgust at the terrible and potent smell of manure.  Tequila held her breath for awhile.  Humperdinck recalled that last time he had smelled that he had been commanding the beautiful Buttercup to be his bride.  

Then he saw a girl who was so hideous that his eyes stretched open to their fullest extent.  

"You!  Beauty!"  Tequila called out, mostly joking. 

"How did you know my name?"  Beauty was so surprised that she forgot to act stupid.

"Erm… I could just tell."  Tequila slumped back into her saddle.

Then Westley and Buttercup came out of the house, hand pressed firmly to the other's rump.

"Ah!  It's Humperdinck!"  Westley growled.  "Ready to fight, you coward?"

"No!"  Humperdinck squeaked.  

"That's what I thought.  Well, Buttercup and I have just decided to move to the Fireswamp so we came out to bid Beauty and Marvin goodbye."  Westley gave a grimacing goodbye to his ugly daughter and pat his son awkwardly on the head.

It is known that Buttercup and Westley moved to the forest and, stupidly falling asleep, caught on fire and rolled into the snow sand where they were chased by an R.O.U.S. that was suffocating.  It nibbled on Buttercup's left ear.  Both she and Westley sank to the bottom of the snow sand, unconscious but awoke hours later to find they had discovered a small civilization of gnomes.  They were, at first, revered as gods, but eventually sacrificed to the R.O.U.S god, who was much cooler.

As soon as their parents left both siblings heaved sighs of relief.  Suddenly, Beauty became very attractive, all her mousy hair falling out and being quickly replaced by gorgeous golden locks, her eyes no longer looked dull but were a light, intelligent brown.  Her nose left its conk-like state and became Roman (Romans did not exist during this time, so therefore they called it "proto-Roman.")  Her chin shrunk and all of her lip and nostril hair disappeared.  Her ears became smaller and she finally got some hips.  Her teeth became normal and straight, like her father's.

"Whoa!  Beauty!  What the Hell?"  (Hell didn't exist either, but what Marvin meant was "where on Earth did this come from" because Hell was a word meaning "where on Earth did this come from" because when weird creatures came people used to say "Hibbity Echol Loo-Loo!?"  Which in the ancient tongue literally translates to "Where on Earth did you come from!?"  Now you are further informed.)

"Oh Marvin, don't be daft.  I just hid my beauty to annoy our parents and chase them away.  Don't you think they'd have married me off by now if I showed my true loveliness?  Sure, I've been ugly for a long time but I became beautiful a few weeks ago, I just hid it."

"How?"  Asked Margarita and Tequila.

"You know, that's a fair question."  Beauty contracted her perfect eyebrows.  "Well, I don't honestly know, but somehow it worked out.  Now, Prince Humperdinck, you're looking for your family jewels?"

"Yes.  How did you know?"

"Once again, a true mystery."

"Oh, dude!  You traded them with my friend for a pound of dope!"

"Yes."   Humperdinck blushed.

"Yeah, well, he sold them in Bosnia for a fair price.  They're a delicacy there."

"Oh, that's nasty."  Tequila scrunched her nose.

"Off to Bosnia!"  Humperdinck raised a fist in the air.

(Meanwhile, at a small restaurant in Bosnia… actually, you have to wait until **Chapter Four** for this delicious scene.  Be ready for Inigo and Fezzik.  They're coming.)               


	4. Masters of Strength and Steel

_Author's Note: I know nothing about __Bosnia__; all I do is make fun of it.  If you're Bosnian, I apologize.  You just happen to have a funny name and a small country.  MUAHAHAHHAHAHA!_

_I am not racist.  I'm just a partially pigmented albino from the __United States__.  It messes with your mind, man!_

_You hate me because I'm pale, don't you?  Well, punk, I'll blind you with this skin._

_Anyway.  Read and review.  They say alcohol does funny things to your head.  What do you think?    _

**                                                              Chapter Four: Masters of Steel and Strength**

**Bosnia is a country.  That's really all anyone knows about it.  Nothing interesting ever occurred there and nobody beautiful lived there.  I apologize to any Bosnians reading this, but someone has to tell you the truth.  If you're beautiful and a boy, come to my house now.  If you're a girl, go shoot yourself and stop populating my planet.**

Anyway.

"Fezzik," Inigo whined in a French accent, "I am très hungry."

"Inigo, stop speaking like you are French."  Fezzik snapped.

"I am very sorry."  He said, bowing his head.  "Aha!  This is what I would like!"  

"What?"  Fezzik looked over at Inigo's menu as if it were somehow different from his own.  "What can you see?  I can't read mine, it's all… Bosnian."

"It's the _je ne sais pas."  Inigo explained._

"You can read Bosnian?"

"Do they have their own language?"  Inigo rolled his eyes.  "No, it is much too small a country.  They use French and Portuguese."

"Oh.  Then what's the Glumpy-Frumple?"  

"Ah, that.  That is ancient Italian for…" Inigo thought for a moment, "Balls of Yum."

"That's what I'm getting."  Fezzik closed his menu.  He looked around the boring restaurant that he and his comrade had stopped in.  It was called "Blah."  But everything in Bosnia was called "Blah," because they weren't very creative there.  When you're a small country, it's difficult to manage that sort of thing.

"Garcon!"  Inigo snapped his fingers and a man of medium height swaggered boringly over to the table.  He had dull brown hair and eyes and a mustache that wasn't very impressive.  He was just another boring Bosnian walking the streets of Bosnia.  

"Oui, monsieur?"  He droned in a Bosnian accent.

"We would like the _je ne __sais__ pas and the Glumpy-Frumple, if you would be so kind."  _

"Ok."  And the man walked away.

"Inigo, it is so boring here.  Why are we here again?"  Fezzik moaned.

"I must find… treasure of course.  I am a pirate now.  And pirates find treasure."

"Not boring treasure."

"But I'm the Dread Pirate Roberts!"  Inigo whispered.  "Anything I steal is worth…" Inigo looked at his fingers and flipped them around a bit.  "A lot, it's worth a lot."

"What are you going to steal?"

"Maybe a meal?"

Fezzik thought.  "Or a diamond wheel?"

"A glockenspiel!"

"A banana peal?"

"You have a true feel,"

"For what is real."  Fezzik nodded.

"In your heel."

"What's the deal?"

Inigo paused.  "Here we must kneel."

"Darn, I think you've won."

"Now you keel!"  

"Okay, stop rubbing it in."  Fezzik shook his head.  

For those of you who don't know Fezzik, he is enormous and shaking his head causes gusts of winds that knock chandeliers over.  In Bosnia all the lighting was flimsy and it collapsed.

"Oops, sorry."  Fezzik blushed.  

The Bosnians shrugged.  It was the most interesting thing that had happened since their last war, four-hundred years ago when they were still cavemen.  Pretty pathetic.  The moral of the story: never live in a small European country.  I don't know about any other small country.  Latin America has the drug trade at least, so there's some thrill there. 

"Ever wonder what happened to Westley and Buttercup?"  Inigo asked, pushing his fork so that it bounced up off the table.

"No."  Fezzik admitted.  "I completely forgot about them.  They were so beautiful.  They must have beautiful children."

"I doubt it.  Westley was part-Bosnian; he probably had a boring son, named Marvin like every other Bosnian on the face of the Earth.  Buttercup was part-Russian and all Russians are very good at hiding their good looks when they need to and using charm.  Like Rasputin."

"Rasputin isn't alive yet."

"Oh, that's right.  I study future history too much."  Inigo shrugged.

"Anyway.  Here come our meals."  

"Here is the Glumpy-Frumple."  The waiter put it down in front of Fezzik.  "And here is the _je ne _sais___ pas."  It was some sort of unidentifiable glop._

"Thanks."  Inigo said happily.  He took out a boring fork and dug in, shoving the stuff into his mouth and chewing.

Fezzik was not so quick to devour his own meal.

"Hey, Inigo, these look like… totem…."

"Scrotum?"  Inigo said through a mouth full of food.

"Float 'em."  Fezzik tried, smiling at his favorite game.

"Boat phlegm."

"Is there such thing?"  Fezzik asked, beginning to eat his food.

"I'll be damned if I know."  Inigo shrugged.

"But you studied!  For a long time!"  Fezzik said, through a mouthful of….

"THE FAMILY JEWELS!"  Prince Humperdinck sat up abruptly, awakening from a horrid dream in which a giant devoured his… dismembered male addendums.  "Oh God."  

God, I should explain, was not yet a concept harped upon frequently.  God stood for: Gunk on demand, a rather popular toy used by small boys.  Humperdinck had been a big fan of the gooey substance.  When people shoved the initials together they found a rather pleasant swearword.  If only they knew that people ended up worshiping this sort of thing.  Then again, Humperdinck did.

"What is it, Humpey?"  Marguerita asked, yawning.

"Bad dream."  He said, rubbing his eyes.  It was going to be another long day.  The sun still hadn't risen but he knew there would be hours riding under the hot sun.  Beauty and her brother Marvin were lying on top of one another, sharing a pallet.  Marvin enjoyed it a little too much.  Beauty was asleep.  Tequila was watching Marvin with aggravation.  She had tried to offer him sex in exchange for some dope but he didn't have any so she was a little more forthright with "dammit, I just want your body."

Marvin had already given his heart to another.

His sister.

_Ew__.  Thought Humperdinck.  _Just ew. _ _

"WAKE UP YOU DINGALINGS!"  Tequila shouted.  The birds soared out from the trees, squawking in protest.  "SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRDS!"  In response, they pooped on her.  "AHHHHHH!"

"I'm awake already!"  Marvin cried, covering his ears.

"Marvin!  Why are you lying on top of me?"  Beauty asked.

"Because you are sexy."  He said bluntly.

"I'm your sister!"

Humperdinck was looking at Beauty with a bit more respect.  And a larger boner.

"Um, it's time for us to go.  Let's all get on horseback."  The prince said quietly.  He stuffed Pookie into his bag after kissing the teddy bear on the head.

You may be wondering how the word "teddy" came to be lodged with "bear."

President Theodore Roosevelt is not responsible.

Teddy Shmoople was a man who looked like a stuffed bear.  He was furry, short, fat, and fine boned.  His ears were large and he was oh-so-huggable.  Except for when he bit off a little girl's head.  But that's beside the point.  His adorableness was so well known in Florin that the expression "teddy bear" was used to refer to stuffed bears.  

You are, once again, informed.        

"Beauty and I will share a horse."  Marvin piped up.

"You will not!"  Tequila screamed.  "_I _am sharing the horse with you!"

"I'm bloody riding alone!"  Marguerita objected.

"I'll ride with Beauty."  Humperdinck muttered, though he felt a jolt of excitement ride down his spine.

Beauty looked at Humperdinck with interest.  He was rather handsome.  But she didn't care.  She just shrugged and nodded.

"Ack!"  Fezzik grabbed his throat and started coughing.

"What?  What is it?"  Inigo jumped out of his chair.

"It tastes… so… familiar!"  He grimaced.

"Oh no, Fezzik, you've tried this before?"

"No!"  Fezzik shook his head and grabbed a glass of water.  "It reminds me of that cake that Vizzini used to make.  Remember?"  

"Tiramisu."  Inigo nodded.  "That's what you ordered, except you ordered it in Bosnian."

For those of you going to Bosnia, this is how you order tiramisu: "Gimme usimarit.  NOW!" 

"Oh."  Fezzik looked down at his plate.  "You know, I don't think that Glumpy-Frumple agreed with me."

"Let's go back to the hotel.  You can rest up while I practice swordplay."

Fezzik only nodded.  He was afraid anything else might make him vomit.

There's some impressive foreshadowing for you.

Stay tuned for **Chapter Five: Of Soul and Sewer-Searching **


	5. Soul and Sewer Searching

 **Chapter Five: Of Soul and Sewer-Searching**

**Fezzik leaned over the toilet bowl for at least twenty minutes before all the contents of his stomach were thoroughly emptied.  The smell in the bowl was so vile that he had to flush and then spray the entire room with peppermint and cinnamon extracts.  He even farted a few times, anything to squander the dastardly scent.**

Inigo was alarmed by the sound of Fezzik's fetid wind taking flight so noisily.  He rushed into the bathroom only to be confronted by a whirlwind of awful smells.  

"Fezzik!"  He cried, backing out.  "Are you all right?"

"I threw up!"  Fezzik explained in a cracking voice.

"I'm sorry, my dear friend."  Inigo frowned.

"It was that… dinner.  It wasn't even digested!"

Inigo was stunned, not at the news but at Fezzik's use of the word "digested."

"Um… off to bed then."  Inigo said pointing at the twin bed and the kind size that served as a twin bed to the enormous Fezzik.

"Yeah.  I'm pooped."

_Ew.  Though Inigo.  __What an awful expression._

"Bosnia."  Beauty pointed to a sign from Humperdinck's lap.

"You can read?"  Marvin marveled at his sister.  "Dude, you're like… perfect, man!  Sexy, smart, and my sister!  Jeez!"

"Marvin, there is, as I've said, no chance that I would ever marry you."

"Yeah."  Tequila spat in Marvin's ear.

_Yeah.  Thought the prince smugly._

_What are you "yeah"ing at?  Beauty thought to him._

_Ah!  You can hear my voice-thinking?  The prince squealed in his mind._

_You're so loud!  How could I not?  Beauty shook her head._

_Cool it over there; you're giving me a headache.  Marvin complained. _

"AGH!  How can you both hear me?!"

"Hear what?"  Tequila and Margarita chimed.

"They can't hear you thinking.  It's a gift that was passed down to us from the Russian side of our family."  Explained Beauty.

"Really?"  Marvin was stunned.  "I thought it was all the drugs and shit."

"Blah Hotel.  Up ahead."  Margarita interrupted.  "Aren't there any interesting places?"

"No."  Everyone said together.

"Jeez, I was just asking."  So they all signed in at Blah Hotel.

"_Bonsoir, _I am _appelle_ Marvin."  Said the guy with the sign-in sheet.

"Dude!  I'm called Marvin and you're _appelle _Marvin!"

"_Appelle _is Bosnian for called."  Beauty explained.

Marvin gawped.  "You're bilingual too?"

"Shut up."  The prince muttered.  "Can we have our room key, Marvin?"

"_Oui, monsieur._"  And he handed the key to them.  They all marched up to a room and past a smell so wretched that they collapsed on the floor.

"OH MY FRIGGLY WIGGLY PIE!"  Prince Humperdinck squealed, covering his nose to no avail.

"You've said it!"  Beauty gagged.

_Meanwhile, inside Fezzik and Inigo's room…._

"Did you just hear Buttercup?"  Fezzik asked.

"Yes!  Actually, I did!  And I heard Prince Humperdinck!"

"He was such a fink."

"And his penis was a dink."

"Did he ever blink?"

"Let me stop to think."

"His favorite color was pink."

"He played a video game with a character named Link."

"A what?"  Inigo stopped.

"Dunno.  Anyway, let's go look."  They both got up and went out into the hallway.  "IT IS PRINCE BOY HUMPY!"

"But that's not Buttercup."  Inigo shook his head.

"No, I'm Buttercup's daughter."  Beauty coughed.  "And I'm leaving."

"Why?"  Fezzik asked.

"It smells vile here."

"Can we come with you?"  Inigo begged.

"Sure."  Marvin said.  

"Hell yes."  Said Marguerita, looking at Inigo with a great deal of interest.  So they headed to their room.  

"So, what are you all doing here, in Bosnia?"  Fezzik asked, beckoning that Beauty should sit on his lap.  She complied.

"We're looking for the Family Jewels."  Humperdinck explained, looking on jealously.  

"Your testicles?"  Inigo raised his brows.

Humperdinck turned a shade of magenta.

"Fezzik ate some for dinner."  Inigo said.

"I DID?!"  Fezzik looked on the verge of barfing again.  Beauty quickly scampered out of the way.

"You must vomit at once!  Get them out before you digest!"  Humperdinck squealed.

"He already did."  Inigo said calmly.

"Where are they?!"

"In the Bosnian sewers."

"Ew."  Everyone said together.  

"But," Humperdinck muttered, "there we must go."

"I'm not coming!"  Marguerita and Tequila chimed.

"Whatever."  Humperdinck shrugged.  "I don't like you anyway."

"We shall help you, Humpster."  Inigo promised.  "After all, we have nothing better to do."

"Tequila?"  Fezzik gasped.  "Oh my goodness gracious ass bodacious!"  He really loved rhyming.

"Fezzik?!  OH MY GOD!"  And she jumped atop him.  "Brother!"

"Sister!"  Fezzik grabbed a hold of Tequila and squeezed.

"Whoa, what?!"  Marguerita put a hand to her forehead.  "No, that's not right.  Your parents are my aunt and uncle."

"Yes and no.  My father is your uncle, my mother is also his mother and his father is a big guy.  Just like Fezzik!"  

"Weird."  Marvin said.  "That is totally drugged up.  I need some dope.  I'm having some serious withdrawal issues."

"Fezzik.  You never a-told me that you had a sister."

"I forgot.  And she's my half-sister.  We only met once when she was a baby."

"How come she remembers you?"  Inigo asked.

"Could you ever forget Fezzik?"  Tequila asked.

"Good point."  Inigo nodded.  

"Shall we go to the sewers then?"  Beauty asked.

_I like a woman who's to the point.  Humperdinck thought as quietly as he could. _

_Dude, me too.  Marvin agreed._

_She's your sister though._

_So?  Man!  Doesn't that make it totally perfect?_

_For me._

_If you think she would ever date a sissy like you… and aren't you like her second cousin or something?  That's incest._

_Ahem.  It is a widely known fact that everyone in __Florin__ is somehow related, but siblings… that's just nasty._

_No way.  My grandparents were siblings._

_EW!  Humperdinck grasped his head._

"JESUS CHRIST!  CAN WE GO ALREADY?"  Beauty shouted.  

By the way, this was during the time of Jesus Christ, but Jesus wasn't yet known in Florin.  Actually, Jesus' real name was Hey-Zeus Christophe.  Jesus Christ actually was the Florinese way of saying "Jeesh This Is Friggin' Annoying!"  Again, your empty head is filled with dead knowledge.

Moving on.

"Yes, let's a-go."  Inigo nodded.  And the prince, Beauty, Marvin and Inigo all set out in search of the sewers.

The sewers in Bosnia were also very boring.  There was nothing in them out of the ordinary.  Even their excretions didn't smell too bad.  They smelled boring.  Fezzik's vomit was easily identified because it was the only thing that smelled so vile that in knocked the four searchers out of their socks.  

"Oh well."  Inigo shrugged.  "Those socks were boring anyway."

"Do you have to search for your Jewels _in that crap?"  Marvin asked.  "Dude, I'd need to be seriously high to get in that glop."_

"If I offered you some dope, would you be willing to find my… Jewels?"

"Dude!  You got some dope?  Yeah!  Yeah!  YEAH!"  

"Disgusting."  Beauty turned away.

"Take this."  Humperdinck gave Marvin the dope and immediately Marvin was so high that he could tell the difference between vomit and the walls.  Everything was beautiful and colorful.  The Family Jewels glowed like real jewels and Marvin easily identified them.  I scooped them up, wondering why they felt so squishy and slimy.  

_I wonder what they taste like.  He thought._

_NO MARVIN!  NO!  Humperdinck and Beauty thought screamed._

_I wish I could though speak.  Inigo thought._

But Marvin ate them anyway.  And then he died.

(_Ew.  That's how I reacted.  Meet Miracle Max in **Chapter Six: Jewels of a Different Caliber)**_              


	6. Jewels of a Different Caliber

**Chapter Six:  Jewels of a Different Caliber**

**Miracle Max watched his hot, young niece as she pulled out some more thyme for him.  He didn't really need it; he just liked checking out her booty.**

_So plump and juicy.  He licked his chops.  _I wish Valerie were still like that._  He looked back at his bony wife, who was watching their nephew._

_So sexy and muscular.  Valerie thought.  _I wish Max had been like that._  _

"I 'ave them, Oncle Max!"  Jeanette purred.  "'Ere is some thyme for you."  

Jean-Pierre looked back at his sister and smiled warmly at his aunt.  "Valerie, I 'ave une probleme."

"What is it, darling?"  Valerie cooed.

"I am tinking… zat Jeanette ees pregnant with mon enfant."

"Oh.  Are you sure the kid is yours?"

"Non!  But I am afraid for her!"

"You should be.  She could explode into a thousand little pieces."

"Vraiment?"

"Truly."  Valerie nodded. 

"Oh la la oh!"

_He is so sexy when he's worried._

Valerie and Max sat eating their BLTs in silence.  Jeanette and Jean-Pierre had gotten on their horses for home.  

"I miss it, all right."  Max responded to nothing.

"The old sex?"

"Yeah."  He sighed.  

Then somebody knocked firmly on the door.

"Oh, who in Florin is here at this time of… the evening."  Valerie slowly got up and hobbled over to the door.  "HUMPERDINCK!"  She gasped.

The prince blushed.

"Ah!  What is he doing here?!  The king's stinkin' son!  Who's he got?  Can I kill him?"

Then Beauty stepped forward.

"Never mind.  For a night with her, anything, Highness."  Max gave a mock-bow, but his eyes kept eagerly on the beautiful girl by his side.

Valerie slapped Max on the buttocks.

"Ooh!  Well, what do you need then?"  Max asked, eyeing his wife.

"To know more about The Family Jewels."  

"Humperdinck, I heard about you losing your balls."  Max grinned wryly.

"To put it crudely, yes."  Beauty said.  "We want to know why his father is so keen on having them."

Miracle Max laughed.  "Oh, you funny kid.  I'll tell you exactly why.  The king wants Humperdinck to have kids of his own.  Without balls, there are no kids."

"Oh."  Humperdinck blushed.  

"But without a wife, there are no kids either."  Max wheezed in laughter.

Fezzik, Tequila, Marguerita, and Inigo waited outside, listening in curiously.  Tequila had regretted the loss of Marvin for awhile, but she realized that she had Fezzik still.  Best friend and half-brother with benefits. 

"I have a book for you, but I don't want your slimy hands on it.  So I'll recite it for you.  It's called 'So You've Lost Your Nuts.'"  Max grinned, relishing Humperdinck's squeamishness.  "All you've gotta do is get your wife pregnant by somebody else and claim it's yours.  The end."  

"That leaves the wife problem."  Valerie cackled. 

"I'm his wife."  Beauty said proudly.

Valerie and Max shut up and their eyes became round.  

Then they both died of a heart-attack.

"You are?"  Humperdinck asked, ignoring the dead couple on the floor.

"Yes."  Then they kissed and got married and all that good stuff.  Tequila and Fezzik eloped; Marguerita and Inigo took over the seas and Marvin was happy in druggie heaven.  

Okay, so they're finally home and Beauty is pregnant.  Humperdinck never asks who the father is, but the day of the birth….

"WAAAAH!"  That wasn't the baby.  "Why the Albino?  Why?" 

The moral of this story is that not all stories end well.  

And that drugs and incest are bad.  Why do you think a swarm of angry mosquitoes swooped down on Florin and destroyed them all?  Moses, you see, was quite pissed that he had one more plague from that God person that he didn't get to use, so he decided to make King Humperdinck suffer for all the incest in his kingdom.  Florin died.

The End.

(FieryWordess would like to say that she is not religious but when to Catholic school.  She would also like to mention that she got a B in religion despite a 97 average.  Lastly, she would like to say thank you for reading and she sincerely hopes you will not burn her house down for the blasphemy of her story.)  


End file.
